Scraps #2

This is the second edition of Scraps. It features a question, a reminder and a release valve.

A Question.

“In a world where both zombies and ghosts exist, is it possible for someone to become both?”

If you go with “yes because ghosts are the consciousness/ mind and zombies are the body”, then are we saying that zombies have no mind, they are just animated material? How do they know they like to eat brains? Or hang out with other zombies?

And if ghosts are only the consciousness, how come they appear to those that claim to have seen them? Your consciousness has no physical form. So what are ghosts made of? If it’s ectoplasm, how does the spirit enter and animate the ectoplasm? And why isn’t the ectoplasm left behind on exorcism?

I’ve turned this question over a lot in my mind. It seems trivial but is actually very revealing as to where you think your mind lives.

A Reminder

I’m selling my house right now. Looking for a new place to live. An idea I picked up somewhere was that you shouldn’t buy a house because you expect it to make money. You should buy it because you want to live there. 

The theory being that if you lean in to what you like, rather than what you think will gain you a ‘win’, success will follow because you’re taking as many decisions as possible that are aligned with your true self. 

Reminder to self: lean in to what you like.

A Release Valve

Here’s a note I wrote from a dark place. It’s about loneliness and being unable to get out of your own head. I couldn’t publish until now because I wasn’t far enough from it. I have enough distance now. It remains my closest articulation of how it feels inside my head when the noise gets too much in there.

you know how to start to fix the isolation go out join an interest group so you go you look all right but there’s no one there who sees you so you leave because being with the people that aren’t your people is somehow even worse than being alone with the voice in your head that says you can’t make friends you’re not worth friends this is why you’re alone and the next day it’s time to go to work even though you’re broken

you put a meeting in someone else’s calendar

you wonder why is my head turning against me and why does it never shut the fuck up about anything why doesn’t it notice good times opportunities and luck but it’s too late that door closed and you can’t go back and open it again you think about being 16 and how she must have wanted you to kiss her but you didn’t because it seemed so unlikely that anyone would want a kiss from you that you didn’t even try and how would life be different if you had landed that kiss

you reply to a message on teams

where was the support you saw in friendship groups on TV in movies and books that door was closed to you as a child now you’re older childhood shouldn’t matter you’re in control except sometimes it doesn’t feel that way there’s a fake toxic you inside that is driving and it doesn’t want to stop for the good stuff it wants to drive fast don’t look just keep moving you can’t stop here and rest you can’t let the good stuff stick to you so you can look at it again later when things are not good

you wait in the office kitchen while someone else uses the microwave

nothing you think is real you cannot trust your view on any situation ever it’s easier not to try go home get numb however you like to do it it doesn’t matter the important thing is to shut yourself down and remove any traces of you don’t stand out don’t make a scene don’t be the special you that sesame street told you was inside you don’t share your gift with the world

you eat lunch at your desk

the world doesn’t care the world has no space for you it must be true because you can’t find anyone to spend time with and no one messages or calls you don’t invite anyone out and months later you realise you don’t have anyone you think about suicide then but you thought about it before and you didn’t do it and you know that this can’t be forever ride it out it’s ok to go numb tonight go home get beer smoke a joint whatever just make yourself scarce because you can’t listen to you any more

you log out and go home

you rebel against yourself and decide not to go numb because you are a fighter but there is no win condition survival is pain just a different pain you have to turn and walk into it because you know you can’t outrun it you tell yourself it doesn’t matter anyway but it does really matter and the gap between wanting connection and the lack of connection is so deafeningly loud it’s unbearable and drowns out everything else

you pick up something you enjoyed once maybe you’ll enjoy it again

you can’t focus you must numb yourself but you remember you are not going to let that bad version of you win you have been there so many times and you know it doesn’t work but the noise is so uncomfortable so you say this time I will fix the isolation because you know how to start to fix the isolation go out join an interest group so you go you look all right but there’s no one there who sees you so you leave