#LoveThyNeighbour

They stopped for breath, unable to talk as they snatched ragged gulps of air. They were far enough outside the village now and it looked like they’d escaped their pursuers.

The tiny creature looked up. “Welp, you know what I think would make this bad situation good?”

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The man looked at the creature then back to the winding river stretching out in front of them. “I think you’re going to sing. Don’t sing. I don’t want to hear any more of your fucking songs”

The creature looked crestfallen. Their outsized ears drooped with exaggerated sadness.

“And stay away from the edge, you’ll fall into the river. The water is high and the current is strong”

“When life gives you lemons, you make lemonade,” sang the creature eyeing the man cautiously, ears twitching.

The man shot a look that made the creature hold up their hands “hey hey, hashtag LoveThyNeighbour, that tested well, remember?”

The creature was silent for a few steps. Then they started to hum, getting slowly louder, confidence rising when no reaction came from the man. At a crescendo, the creature pirouetted, ears touching above their head. The move was too ambitious, the creature lost their balance and splashed into the river.

“Help me Jesus! I can’t swi…” The rest of the sentence was bubbles.

Jesus sighed. It hadn’t always been this way. Up until recently, he used to have disciples but, after reading the consultancy’s report, the Big Guy had decided that wasn’t Gen-Z enough “we need to appeal to a younger market” and hanging around with a bunch of guys “didn’t reflect the diversity modern audiences expect”.

And lo, God created Sneedle, an algorithmic mash of cute internet and CGI tropes deliberately designed to be ethnically ambiguous and of indeterminate gender.

Sneedle was now spinning hopelessly in the current. The water was sweeping them downstream towards the falls.

“Whooaaah” cried Sneedle, clutching to reeds that only momentarily slowed their journey down. Sneedle’s ears, weighed down and ruffled up by the water, had artfully fallen over their eyes

‘Cute right?’ murmured the Big Guy speaking directly into Jesus’s mind.

The reeds snapped and Sneedle was hurtling towards what looked like certain death as the water turned white at the severe drop.

“Whoaaaaahhhhhh,” Sneedle repeated, louder and longer this time.

“Jesus,” sighed Jesus. He could save Sneedle with a wave of his hand. The actual Son of God and here he was fighting for screen time with whatever Sneedle was supposed to be in the name of “content creation”. This entire scene was for comic relief after he and Sneedle had narrowly escaped with their lives from the village that wanted to burn them for suggesting the rich should share their wealth with the poor.

Jesus raised his hand.

“Not yet” boomed the voice in his mind. It was the Big Guy, who’d obviously contained his addiction to scrolling dating apps long enough to refocus his attention on the work at hand.

The Big Guy continued, “we need this for the gifs so we can go viral. Let Sneedle overshoot the falls, then suspend them in mid-air just long enough so we see on their face that they knows they’re going to fall, then bring them back to the river bank.”

Jesus ground his teeth. But complied. His outstretched hand made a plucking action. Sneedle hung in mid-air, ears flapping in an unsuccessful attempt at flight.

“This guy… I can’t even,” chuckled the Big Guy.

Jesus swung his arm up and left. Sneedle followed this motion through the air. When Jesus dropped his arm, Sneedle landed on the river bank safe and sound with a bump.

The brand guidelines said these acts were always to be called “miracles” but the online community would later insist on calling them “magic”.

“Love. It.” rumbled the Big Guy as Sneedle shook themself dry then fell in the kind of bedraggled heap that creates demand in preschool girls to buy one so they can give it the care and attention it needs.

“Jesus,” repeated Jesus.

“That’s a wrap for the day,” said the Big Guy ushering Sneedle’s entourage of handlers, groomers and assistants onto the set.

The Big Guy turned to Jesus, “excellent work, my son. I know you don’t share my faith but Bible II is going to introduce us to a new generation. The comeback starts here. Believe!”

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